"Thanks for having my back" I said in a slow and deliberate way to Ben to make sure he really knew what I meant. He said, "I see what you did there" and after a few minutes of confusion, everything made sense.
Last week, I wasn't sure if I could be a photographer any more, I half resigned from my casual job as a support worker and had a freak out about my future as I lay on a beanbag for two weeks trying not to move. My back for whatever reason decided to freak out and give me insane pain if I tried to move. A few doctors appointment later and an MRI scheduled and then nothing. My life is back to normal and I'm back here blogging :) All puns intended :)
My back has been back to normal for a few days and in that time, I celebrated my 6 year anniversary with Ben, got tipsy on Sangria, found a secret water hole to swim in, swam in the rain, ate hot chips, chased storms, kissed in the rain and genuinely felt so so grateful for ever little small amazing thing in my life.
For the last year or so I've been pretty into Elizabeth Peru, I'm sure I've mentioned her before so I won't ramble too much but the other day she had a post about when you get over whelmed by the little things, weighed down by a moment, it's sometimes necessary to see the bigger picture, to zoom out. For me I needed to zoom out and see that it didn't really matter if I had to change jobs or restructure my life, it mattered that I actually had a life :)
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night, I had a dream where Ben and I had driven into a body of water - the window was round down a little so I could wind it further and escape and I'm fairly sure Ben got out too but when I woke up, I told myself I better check my phone, to see the time because that might be significant, that if Ben was dead then I would have some connection to that.
I rang him the next morning (he'd spent the night - 8 hours - driving to his brothers) and he told me, he fell asleep at the wheel and swerved into the other lane and woke to see headlights from the cars in the opposite direction. He pulled over and tried to go to sleep, ignoring the adrenalin. He quite frankly told me, that could have easily been the end.
The bigger picture is probably bigger than even that but I'm here right now and I'm so grateful. I hope that if you're getting weighed down by the seemingly big things in your life that perhaps you can try and see the bigger picture too, try and zoom out even if it seems impossible.
For those in the know I have to end on this hashtag #freeadnan
Also a recap of what happened on the first day of the hearing here - high five for Asia!
Also a recap of what happened on the first day of the hearing here - high five for Asia!
Wow. That dream is incredible. I am a big, huge believer of dreams and I've had so many that was just too weird and telling. I'm glad that your back is feeling better. I go into feeling down and everything weighs so heavily on me. It's hard to pick up things I like doing because it just seems like a daunting task and not a joyful hobby/work. Seeing the bigger picture is a great way to just step back. Gorgeous photos. And is the hashtag related to Adnan from Serial Season 1?
ReplyDelete*nods* definitely all makes sense to me, it's nice to step back and I think the World is definitely full of a lot of mystery! Did you end up discovering undisclosed? It's a podcast that basically fills in a lot of gaps that Serial 1 left. I always tell people to have a listen to it, it's a lot heavier, info wise than serial and way less produced (although it does get better!) but it's super great! Adnan is currently getting a hearing, on whether or not he will be granted a new trial or a plea deal, still may take some time as the state can oppose the outcome but as someone who is sure of Adnan's innocence it's got me really excited and a little teary these last few days!
DeleteFee, I'm so shocked to read about Ben and the dream, so scary and so sorry that you both had to experience a moment like this (well, specially him, of course). I also have weird connecting dreams, that make me raise the next day having to do something ASAP, like calling someone because I was dreaming that something was happening with him/her. I was missing you very much and about to send you a mail because I thought that this halt had a reason, so I guess the back pain and everything else was it. Happy that your back is already in good condition. I love how you end this post with such a positive message, to zoom out and see the bigger picture. I definitely have to apply this to myself, thanks! Oh, and the images are just perfect! The calm after the storm is also a good reminder :)
ReplyDeleteI think from now on he is not allowed to do any more long road trips without his annoying nagging gf, watching the road constantly for him :P lol, I'm definitely a back seat driver. It's been quite surreal the last couple of weeks but everything feels much happier and on track now :) :) I did relocate my computer onto the floor next to my beanbag but it was pretty impossible to do anything, so I was definitely missing in action on the internet and in real life for a while there :P
DeleteI'm very thankful for the calm after the storm!!! Thanks for your sweet thoughts :)
Glad to hear Ben is alright. And you too for that matter. In my experience back pain like that is usually tied to stress, but I'm glad you've been able to zoom out and experience some relief. Those pictures are absolutely stunning.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting about the stress, I will say prior to my back turning on me life was super super busy! I don't think in a bad way but it was definitely hectic and I can see how that could of lead to a physical ailment for sure! I definitely can't pin point it to anything else. I guess there is definitely importance in taking it easy for yourself and maybe my back was just saying "hey I want you to do absolutely nothing for two weeks" :P That storm was amazing!!!! We went up to a lookout nearby and there were a bunch of other storm chases and nerdy peeps like me with their cameras out - it was fun :)
DeleteOh my goodness Fee, I knew you'd hurt your back but not that you were feeling so down! I hope you know you can always talk to me if you need to matey. I'm glad you're feeling better about things now, if there's anything I/we can do please let me know. So spooky the dream about Ben! So glad to hear he is ok!!! That would have shaken you both up. Life is definitely precious. Much love to you my Fee, if your back's feeling up to it and you want to hang out one weekday just sing out ok? <3 <3 *mega hugs*
ReplyDeleteoh gosh I think just being so inactive let my mind wander too far! Felt super guilts for making Ben do everything little thing for me but he was a trooper and now I'm just super grateful for everything - he he he! I guess a positive outcome all round :) Definitely beyond words, grateful though for still havinf a Ben around - life is definitely way too precious!
DeleteOh Fee, your post gave me goosebumps. Since we're a household of scientists I'm always skeptical of paranormal stuff, but I do believe there are some things science may never be able to explain - and I think dreams and human intuition can be really important.
ReplyDeleteOn the night my cousin was murdered her mother went to sleep and had a dream that she was walking a little girl up to her own grandmother (who had passed) and handed her over and her grandmother said she would be okay now.
She woke up the next morning to a phone call from the police...
Oh my goodness that is so incredible and emotional. Hopefully it was able to give her some reassurance that your cousin had a familiar presence to be comforted by. Loss is so heartbreaking, it always leaves me speechless and grateful that I can still tell people in the flesh that I love them :)
DeleteThat's so scary about Ben! I'm glad he's ok. I love the idea of zooming out to see the bigger picture. It's really hard to do but I think i'll give it a go next time I feel bogged down by the little things. Hope your back is all better now and that things work out never matter what you end up doing. Love that you have found your own secret waterhole, and these storm clouds are just super amazing!
ReplyDeleteYay - thanks Trishie, glad he is okay too!! Zooming out is awesome hey and maybe doing the reverse when you're stuck in the other headspace, maybe not always achievable but definitely worth a shot :)
DeleteI'm so glad you're well now and Ben is safe & sound. It's scary & I know how it feels to be weighed down by things :( p.s breath-taking pictures, you're such a talent x
ReplyDeleteAwww thank-you, you're so sweet :) :)
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