Wednesday 01.05.19

I have the worst night sleep, a bang in the middle of the night and dream loops about spirits and I feel spirits and I sleep lightly.

I wake up sad, I tell Ben and he hugs me and I go for my morning walk.

We spend the day organising builders and plumbers, and I try and organise an estate lawyer.

Ben's painting falls down in his room.

I go to work and it's mundane and it's okay, it emphasises old feelings of not being myself or fulfilling my higher role in life in this role.

I come home and Ben is still at the movies, I put away the dishes and I see Dad's empty kombucha bottles that I would have normally put aside to give back to him. I do really loud sobs in the kitchen and tell him I miss him.

The cats come over to me and give me comfort. I make tikka masala. Cooking is helpful.

Ben comes home and we watch lunatics and I tell him about my sadness and I talk to Emaya about my sadness and my complex emotional landscape.

I almost feel that if everything I love or know to be of comfort was removed, I would stoically be able to handle it. Perhaps the worse thing has happened and now, I exist on a plain of non-attachment. I feel disconnected. I'm just feeling what I'm feeling.

I re-read the passages marked on Dad's bible, that lay next to his dead body.

and they make me cry.

His voice comes into my ear and he reminds me that I'm his favourite daughter. Something he always said to me.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

End Note: It's actually weird to know where to stop these entries, they literally just keep going.  There is no neat bow to wrap this all up because it's just my life. The complexity of closing down Dad's business continued and became more difficult, a court case got thrown into the mix and Ben and I continued to navigate the house thing.  At some point I looked back and I could see this 3 month bubble.  It was such a strange 3 months after Dad died, a strange place to exist in.  That bubble lifted.  It was gradual though.  Sometimes I miss it - it felt very connected to some other place.

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Tuesday 30.04.19 (Dad's Funeral)

I wake up at 5am and can't get back to sleep. I get up and finish my tasks, wrap my bouquet and pack up the flowers into Ben's car. I get dressed and wash and blow dry my hair. I remember not to wear mascara.

We drive and arrive early, a funeral is still happening and there's no car parks left.

People file in and everything happens so quickly, I run to the bathroom and put the flowers inside the chapel. I see Dad's coffin but it isn't sad, he's not in that body anymore. It's my turn to speak and I keep starring at the first words I need to say. I pause and breath and pause and breath and it feels like eternity. I get through each sentence painfully slow as the sadness catches up faster than I can speak. I haven't looked up, until I near the end and I tell the audience that I'm nearly done. And I finish my final lines. Matty goes next and he speech is funny and he delivers it so well. He stumbles upon the last lines and I go and hug him and tell him that Ben can finish it for him and he does.

Ben, Matty, J and myself carry Dad out. It's heavier than I thought and I have to use two hands.

We walk at the back of the hearse and it's no longer sad, it's easy to say goodbye to his body. We carry the coffin to the grave and it lowers. The metal bars that send him down make a slow rhythmic sound and it's all I can focus on and a bouquet that almost gets caught.

People start leaving, it starts raining.

Everyone takes an orchid home and one remains - the white anthurium that was my favourite.

Everyone tells me how great I did and I feel that myself. I feel happy it was such a lovely send off.

1:11 on the car's radio clock.

At home Ben rings Zara and we talk house and plans and things keep on moving.

Lowie comes around and we go for a swim, it is getting dark and cold but it makes sense to jump in and I'm glad I do. I get use to the coldness.

We come home and eat spinach and avo, and tempeh and left over vegan treats and start to watch a rom com and I feel happy. I feel guilty for happiness but I know Dad just kept telling me that was my action plan and it's all okay.

It's raining and I have a cat kneading my lap and warm clothes on and I'm about to finish the rom com in bed with Ben and I know things are okay.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Sunday 28.04.19 - Monday 29.04.19

SUNDAY

I put my washing on, the sun is out and my screen saver's quote for the day is, 

The more one meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be one's world and the world at large.

-Confucius

I chat with Dad and he comforts me. We missed the markets yesterday so we're going today.

We go a different markets and they are packed.

I hang my washing out, it's gone cloudy again

I clean the house and my room and stock the fridge and it feels good.

I got get a card and wrap Matty's present to give to him at the funeral and I see a card I have for Dad and I remind myself to donate it.

I tick things off my to-do list and it feels good

Lowie comes around and we go for a swim, it's cold but once in, your body gets used to it, a metaphor for life really.

We come back and cook dinner and watch, Cocaine Island, a doco.

MONDAY

Ben and I go to to buy orchids and anthuriums and fill two trolleys full of plants and it feels amazing to wheel out when them, watching every bump, trying to be gentle.

Shane messages and comes by, he gives me a hug and I'm glad to see him. He has bought mushrooms over for Ben and I.

Ben and I practice our tributes and eulogy.

It's my first day back at work.

At home we watch luntics and eat pizza and practice again and go to bed early 

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Saturday 27.04.19 (my Birthday)

I wake up in a fog, it's harder than I had imagined. I read Mum's card and it is kind and I open her present a black cat. I sit on my bedroom floor and gremlin curls up with me, he has been so needy of late. I work out a plan but even that is hard. I've decided to get up and have breakfast and read poetry on the verandah in the sun. Ben gets up and I tell him I'm sad and he hugs me. He comes out on the verandah and gives me lots of options and I choose kayaking. We need to go to the shops first to get a lock and he buys me a plant.

The sun is finally out, I put my washing (that's been drying so painfully slow under the house) outside. I'm grateful the sun decided to come out for my birthday

We go kayaking and it's nice, Dad would have liked it. Ben and I work together to save a bee and it's the highlight of my day. We drive home and see 11:11 in Ben's car's radio clock.

Matty messages me, happy birthday and I tell him I'll email him all the Dad updates.

We go home and get changed and head to Nurcha for lunch, we eat so much and come home with full bellies and go lie in bed. I'm curled up to Ben and fall asleep and it all feels so nice. Ben wakes me to tell me my phone is ringing. I let it ring through, I've done a ban on technology today but it's Mum and it might be something about the funeral and she probably just wants to wish me a happy birthday. I call her back. The conversation goes in a completely different direction, not a good direction but she messages back and apologises.

I feel incredibly sad and explain to Ben how I know I should continue the day but I'm craving the comfort of home, he says he needs to take over and plans a walk along the headline of Caloundra. The sun has long disappeared but leaves us enough light to scramble back up the headland and we go watch Dumbo at the movies. Dad had wanted to take J to Dumbo, on the school holidays.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Friday 26.04.19

I go for a walk and checked my emails, two orders, one from the night before. I feel stuck putting them together, but I have to, life goes on. I'm meant to be at Mum's at 10am but I shower because my hair is greasy and go down to the post office and arrive at Mum's at 10:30am we talk about the plan, about going over to Dad's house. Judy calls on the drive over and Mum says we are just about at the house. Judy is the lady who is doing Dad's emergency files in his business. She's been corresponding about everything and just before I left home, she had send through an email that I had glanced over and it sent overwhelm through my body.

It's nice meeting her, she's lovely and warm and expressing her sympathy for Dad being gone. There's a young gentlemen that's doing the soliciting part, he struggles to open the safe. Judy shows me the piles she has made, Dad's personal case, a cheque that still needs banking. We drive to the bank but forget to bring the will's invoice, the main reason we are going. We drive back.

We arrive at quarter past 12 the lady at the counter is helpful and she tells us to come back at 1pm, so we drive back to Dad's to kill some time. Mum and me sit at the dining room table and there are lots of spaces between words. We drive back to the bank. The young gentlemen apologies for being late, he had lunch and had to brush his teeth for the benefit of us, I like that, it feels human. We can't access Dad's account because it's a business account, he gives me steps I need to do, more steps, I'm tired but I told Mum earlier with breaks for tears that Dad would have done all of this for me, it's the least I can do.

I stop by Australia post and pay for Dad's rates and water and car rego, Mum mentions we should check which ute it is and I shyly mention that Dad had offered me his old ute and that I would like to pay the rego.

We go back over to Mum's.  We now need to go buy J a suit and Mum wants to get a photo printed for the coffin. We drive to Stafford, I stop in at Suncorp and pay for Dad's funeral. Lowes don't have the correct slim line suit range, we need to go to Toombul. As we load into the car, Mum is breathing funny, she has anxiety. I try and talk through the steps, order of service and the photo printed, J is helping and I can help. We load back into my car and I drive across town. We get J's suit and the lady asked whose wedding it is, and Mum tells her it's for his Dad's funeral. It's hard, he's only 16.
It's late by the time I leave, it's been a long day.

Andrew tells me happy birthday and J and Mum give me a card and Mum gives me a present.

I get home and Ben isn't there. I've been thinking about pasta and finally make myself dinner. Ben arrives home and updates me on the house. We read the pest and building report together. The seller want to sell “as is”, Zara is going to forward them the pest report to show them how serious it is. I remember Dad telling me it's a beauty, it makes me smile.

I tell Ben about my birthday tomorrow, and he says he forgot, I'm glad I reminded him.

I go to bed and my eyes are so heavy

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Thursday 25.04.19

I wake up at 5:30am and go for a walk, for the first day it's sunny and the beautiful sun takes over the sky.

I wear my new blue sneakers, I thought they would give me blisters but they don't, no one else is out walking and it's the nicest walk so far, maybe ever.

I come home and wash the dishes and my clothing and get ready to go visit Aunty Dell.

I arrive and she's sitting up on the verandah and she yells out over the high balcony that the door is unlocked. I walk up her carpeted stairs to a vast lounge room, with a floral couch and flowers in floral vases. We sit on her balcony and she has made tea cake, which she puts on a tray along with an empty teapot and cups in case I wanted it. We both have sparkling water.

She tells me about Jessie, (Aunty Jessie to her, my Great Grandma, "Gar"), how she was so lovely and would buy her cream puffs. About Cribb island and how Jessie would love just sitting and looking at the water. I tell her, if I was ever sad (long after Jessie has passed) I'd drive to where Jessie's home use to be and sit and watch the water come in and out and how it bought me comfort. We look through photos and I get to see Jessie on her wedding and she is super sweet, with little high heels and a golden arm bracelet and white flowers. She told me how in love she was to Earnest, who I never got to meet but I remember Dad talking fondly of him. That once, Jessie and Earnest had left behind Pam (Dad's Mum, my Grandma "Granit") because they were so distracted by each other. She talks about how much Pam and Blair (my Grandpa) were in love. She shows me photos of houses and of my great great (great?) Grandad who had come across from Sweden and their home in Sweden. Lots of homes, a huge home, 91 campbell street, Toowoomba, that Jessie and her family lived in. She gives me a photo of Dad and his Dad and his brother and Aunty dell's kids over on Cribb island.

Dell is glad Dad helped gift us our home.

She talks about her own home, about needing to update to a modern style, rip out her carpets and make her bathroom white ("on trend"), she tears up and says she likes her bathroom as it is.

She makes me a tuna and rice pasta, with dill and lemon and snow peas. I haven't eaten meat in so many years but I break it for the company and not to be rude.

She shows me around her home, her bathroom with the pink and grey tiles, she offers me blankets and her late husband's film gear and at one point tells me about a couch, I never see the couch but I tell her she is too kind.

She hands me a photo of Dad and his Dad at Cribb island and a photo of a house at Redcliffe I can't remember if it's Granit and Grandad's or Gar's (Jessie) but I go home with a photo and people and photo of a home and I start to realise the importance of houses in my family.

She loads me up with left over cake for Ben and the left over lunch which I eat in the car and feel slightly bad about. I told her something told me to come visit her and we smile and tear up and it's all lovely.

Ben and I go swimming down the road, the water is still fierce but it feels cold and amazing to jump in. I feel genuinely happy.

I search for photos of Dad and Granit and Gar (Jessie) and scan them for myself and maybe for J's photo presentation for Dad's funeral.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Wednesday 24.04.19 (a week since dad has died)

I wake up at 5am, wide awake.

We'll be inspecting the house today and I worry.

I send off the updated notice for the funeral home, Ben helps me write it.

I feel tired today. I don't like the gaps in space today.

Things have lost their colour everything feels like the wrong choice in how to spend time, lost joy.

I get next month's roster and its changed and it's unsettling and I just don't want to charge forward, I want everything to go at my pace but it can't.

I go to bed and I wake up from Ben on the phone, Dad tells me I need to get up to listen to the conversation. I go to my room and Mum rings (“home” comes up on my phone and it's a little scary to pick up because that is Dad's number) Mum answers and tells me I need to ring the law society about an insurance claim because I'm the power of attorney for Dad. I'm shivering I'm still cold.

I try to ring but I can't get through

The police call, a follow up from my phone call yesterday and I tell them everything has been sorted that Mum just rang to say they found the key - he's glad everything has been sorted.

I sit and look out the window and ask Dad where his will is and he says, “it's in my desk, it's really obvious”

Mum rings back they found the will in a manilla folder in Dad's desk, it's updated and the power of attorney being given to Matty and I.

I tell Mum I asked Dad and what he said. And Mum said, you asked him before he died and I said nonchalantly “just now” and she tells me I have a direct line to him and that she needs to sit down and I realise it's freaking her out and then I get freaked out for the first time.

We go to the pest inspection, it isn't great; termites, live termites, beams not supporting the house, bad plumbing. I ask if its crazy to even consider a house with live termites. They give us a plan, everyone is helpful but when I get back into the car I cry because Dad wanted to be there, he would advise us and now, emptiness.

We stop in at the vegan cafe, Ben buys me sushi and a pie

and we drive home.

So many wheels turning

Allianz organises insurance for a house we might not even buy.

I go down for a swim at 3pm and as I crept towards the water it starts to fall, I don't notice straight away because the trees are my umbrella but I can see how heavy it is as it falls on the water. And the water is flowing so heavily, I couldn't of swam anyway. I tell Dad I just wanted to talk about the house.

Ben and I make dinner together, lots of veggies and it makes me happy and we watch lunatics.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Tuesday 23.04.19

I put my alarm on at 1:30am for the meteor shower. My alarm goes off and I'm so tired that I wish I hadn't of let it wake me. I've been sleeping very soundly these last few nights. I go outside to see but it's raining and so many clouds, so I come back to bed.

I wake up and feel sad.

I go for my walk, no more rainbows but I tell Dad it's okay.

I have turned a corner with my grief, I've got the strength to let him go now.

I get home and work rings and I launch into my grief but they don't know. Liz my boss is an amazing lady and she reassures me and tells me he is my guardian angel and I just have to pat my shoulder. It's a nice convo. We talk about work and she tells me to take this week off and I'm relieved.

We get an email from our agent with the pest and builder recommendations. Ben messages back to ask if we can book and he tells us the owners signed the contract. And we just need to give the tenant 24 hours notice. There are a bunch of business cards scanned for us to choose, and we pick the simple card with the man from Woombye. We speak to him and he is lovely.

We have it booked in for Wednesday at 8:30am but it's not giving Craig the tenant 24 hours so we make it 1pm

I ring public trustee, Dad tells me

“it just has to be done”

“you're doing good”

yesterday he told me to “use my harding brain”

I appreciate all of this.

It's raining so heavily today
the public trustee doesn't have his will

we're going down at 2:40pm to see Dad's body at 4pm. Mum and the police made the decision not to let J see Dad's body when he was lying in bed, so this is a do-over. 

We make lime curd with the limes Dad left and I save the skins to make limecello so when we move in to our new house we can cheers Dad.

I ring the police about the safe and getting in for the will. They don't answer.

We drive to Brisbane and I look at this body, it was Dad but it isn't anymore. There's a stillness but his skin is still soft, he just feels cold.

We give J time by himself. Then Mum and J go in together and I chat with Ashley, the funeral director about death.

We drive home and order garlic bread. Just last week, before Dad had died, we ate garlic bread. It doesn't taste as nice anymore but I still eat it.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Monday 22.04.19

Ben and I walk together, I see a rainbow in the sky, I point it out to Ben he can't see it, I keep pointing and he tells me it's faint and I remember not to point them out anymore but I know Dad is still around.

Lydia messages me a photo of Dad, Ben and I.

I remind myself to print it out.

I'm doing so much writing. I start writing some ideas down for a eulogy.

I write and write and cry and cry

I put together my monthly planner and things are beginning to feel not as hard as I had imagined. I'm eating again, cooking, cleaning, daily tasks.

I go to Nu Nus, a place we've taken Dad. It's incredibly healing. I've never seen the water up so high but it's been raining for days and heavy too, the waterfall behind me is so powerful and calming. It's freezing so I didn't bring togs but I have an urge to jump in, I strip down to my undies and jump in and it's magical. I get out and I feel nothing, I'm not cold or hot, an experience I've never felt before. I flick off a leach and feel the smooth stones with my feet. A cute bird wags its orange tail at me further up the path, I spot huge white mushrooms and everything is so beautiful. I'm so glad I'm still here.

At home I post on my vegan foodie page suggestions of what to do with Dad's limes, preserves and marmalades and drying and cakes and the idea to save the seeds and plant a tree. Someone suggests limecello which I've never heard about but I think about cheersing Dad when we move into our house - that sounds like an amazing idea. Someone else posted a recipe for lime curd and I think I'm going to go with that also.

I finish my book on bereavement and realised I have moved forward in my journey, things are feeling different now, less sad. I try not to carry guilt for being where I am but just accept each feeling, each moment and try to put one foot in front of the other.

I think about going back to work and needing to pay rent and I scold myself a little for saying no to a photo gig a few weekends back but then I realised it was the last walk I went on with Dad and I'm so so grateful I didn't shoot that wedding.

Billy Joel songs stay with me for some reason.

I fight with Ben over dinner. I had printed off a recipe and felt like I was moving forward. But my grief is wrapped in so much weirdness and peculiarity. I'm not really hungry, I don't really want to cook but I'm trying to cling onto little clues of joys and go with them.

I know Ben is fading from my world. The gap is getting bigger and that's scary

My world is floored with eggshells.

Food is mechanical to Ben, food is complex and hard to me.

It was once my joy now it's the bookmark to night, it represents a loneliness.

I try and explain all this but I just seem like I'm clutching at grief in my own mind when I say the words to Ben. Maybe I am, maybe I'm okay, maybe I'm making this a huge issue when it's just food.

Dad is telling me just to eat.

It's hard.

I go to bed sad and Ben takes to the time to talk with me and we work it out.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Sunday 21.04.19

Woke up and went for a walk, I talked with Dad at home, I looked out my window where I talk to Dad and in the corner a rainbow, I raced to Ben's room to get a better look. I decided not to tell Ben. I went back to my computer and looked back at the window and it was gone and I thanked Dad. Dad told me I just have to do all this practical stuff and how he had to do it when his own Mum passed.

We drive down to Brisbane, I'm reminded of only a few days ago, just moments after hearing Dad had passed, driving down the same road. I'm filled with anticipated anxiety and grief that comes in gentle and big waves. Ben talks and I tune out.

We meet Ashley the funeral home director, he seems fair and blunt and quirky and makes me feel better, Dad would have liked him. He finishes with gifting us oversized pens, dad-jokes and rambles about a slide metre that I know Dad would have approved of.

The coffin is picked out. The flower plan is in place. The clothes for Dad to wear have been ironed.

Andrew has picked out the music and J is making a slide show and I have to access Dad's bank sometime next week as power of attorney. Later in the day Ben tells me, it's like I have become an adult now. I try calling Aunty Dell, to arrange a time to meet and talk about Dad's past so we can put together his eulogy. I write down to introduce myself as “bobby harding's daughter” because that's how she knew him by. We all know him by something different.

We have lunch and I make sandwiches. It's been hard for me to make or eat anything but suddenly I make myself two sandwiches and I enjoy them and I let myself enjoy them. I hug Andrew and J and tell them I'm always happy to talk with Dad to them. I try and reassure Andrew that Dad definitely didn't want to leave and tell him he should continue to go walking.

J, Ben and I play typing games on the computer and it feels nice to laugh.

Mark, Dad's minister, comes over at two and he is kind and listens to us all, all with different narratives of grief.

Mark and Mum start talking about how Dad felt about Ben, another son. Ben is outside and I ask if I could bring him in to hear because I haven't been able to tell this to Ben. I didn't know.

We talk about the bible beside's Dad's bed with a passage marked out and I asked if J could write it down for me and he does and it's very sweet.

Ben and I drive over to Dad's. The lock is hard to turn, I haven't had to turn it in so many years, always just let in. This time I have to let myself in. I have a plan to take his mushrooms so I can continue to water them but when I walk in, I realise the space is calling me for more grief. I go into Dad's room, where he lay so silently and Ben and I look at his bible and the pages marked

I change my phone's wall paper to Dad's photo.

Philippians 3;12 Running toward the Goal 
I do not claim that I have already succeeded or have already become perfect, I keep striving to win the prize for which Christ Jesus has already won me to himself. Of course, my brothers, I really do not think that I have already won it; the one things I do, however, is to forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead. So I run straight toward the goal in order to win the prize, which is God's call through Christ Jesus to the life above.

Philippians 4 
How dear you are to me and how I miss you! How happy you make me and how proud I am of you! Show a gentle attitude toward everyone. The lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. And god's peace which is far beyond human understanding will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Jesus Christ.

We drive home and the clouds are so hauntingly beautiful, and we talk about the weather and how it's matched my mood and how the world had to step back from joy for just a second and how selfishly that has made me happy.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Saturday 20.04.19

Woke up and went for a walk. I went and sat down in a park to talk to Dad and cry. The park was Davidson street park (the same street name Dad lived on) I see this as a sign, literally.

At home I search through for photos of Dad.

I read and look out my window and talk to Dad, he tells me he visited the house today and it's a good one :) I cry and he tells me all my spirits are around me, I feel comforted. The book I'm reading tells me it's just my imagination talking back to me.

We go to Coolum for an art show, I'm hesitant but I'm trying to stay open to things and suggestions. Ben points out an elderly couple on a sign and I tell him I'm feeling incredibly sensitive about everything and I cry and he says “you just miss him a lot, don't you?”

At the art gallery, a soft spoken gentlemen talks about creativity and healing and how we tap into something bigger than ourselves when we create. He is very calming.

I'm thinking about our new home, about making a shrine and flower bed for Dad and I start to get inspiration and thoughts in my head.

Ben gets gelato and we walk across to the beach.

On the way home, I spy another rainbow

As we get closer to home, Ben detours to the supermarket I'm not ready to go in just yet but I agree (if I can stick close to Ben) and I do it.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Friday 19.04.19

Ben and I went to the beach, there were crazy bugs along the sand so we had to escape to the rocky cliffs above - the sun shining through the clouds was incredible and ethereal, hard not to make connections to some other place.

We sat and I read my book on grief and cried and we came back home in time for John. John the agent had arranged to meet us at our home (being an easter Friday). He walked in with flowers and a card and I started crying.

We signed the contract and I hope I remembered to thank him.

He told us that there were actually two higher bidders but we had gotten it because of our contracts great terms (thanks Dad). A developed had offered 310 (we offered the list price of 299). They didn't want to deal with a developer. There was another young couple who had offered 299,110. But our terms won out in the end.

It's an incredible story. Dad was helping us right to the end and beyond. I told Ben he would be so happy how it all worked out. Happy smug.

A property, a developer wanted, a property we got at the perfect price.

A miracle. 

Intense gratitude for it all.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Thursday 18.04.19

Ben awakes and he calls the smoke alarm the ghost alarm and said it creeped him out a little but I feel like it's a good portal and I want Dad to make contact with me.

Ben rang to book me an appointment because I was worried the flu that I had given Dad on the 6^th (the last walk we did together) may have contributed to his death. Last night I was worried I would die in my sleep.

My bulk billed doctor was all booked (being the day before the easter long weekend) and so they told us their other clinic had availability. A nurse saw me first to get my vitals for the doctor. I told her straight away my Dad had just died and she was super comforting, offered me a tissue box and told me her history of working in palliative care. She reassured me straight away that the flu didn't contribute to Dad's death and she said she would talk to the doctor before I saw him so I wouldn't have to repeat my story. The doctor gave me a script for antibiotics but told me I was near the end of my flu and that right now I didn't need them. He said my body will probably take longer to process the flu because of my trauma. He was very kind.

We went to the library and I got out two books on grief

Ben had gone past our neighbour with a free lime sign and I told him how Dad had dropped limes off on Saturday. Ben and I go for a swim. I go to the same swimming spot every week and have never seen the amazing array of mushrooms. On my last walk with Dad on the 6^th it was a walk where we got to spot an amazing amount of mushrooms. Lydia took a photo of Dad when we had reached the falls and he looked so happy, he was so happy.

Back at home I bought in my washing and Dad was telling me it's good to do regular tasks.

5:33 Mum rang to say the coroner's report had arrived. It wasn't his latest health attempts that had pushed him too far, it wasn't the flu. It was calloused arteries and a history of heart disease in his family. His heart had filled with blood and he most likely went into a coma before his heart gave out.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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Wednesday 17.04.19

8:22am John rang to let us know we got the house
8:34am I tried to ring Dad's mobile (told Ben, Dad was probably in the bath)

8:39am messaged Mum about the house
8:41am – messaged Dad
“Hey Dad, John just rang to say we got the house”

At 9:20 I had a scan, and the radiologist was amazing she told me to get the surgery and answered all my questions. I told her she was an angel.

When I walked back through our front door I told Ben I was 100% on board with the surgery and I relayed the amazing conversation and clarity I just got. The radiologist told me to ring back the hospital and say I had increased pain to bring my surgery back to the 3 month mark which at that time I thought was something Dad would tell me to do. She looked at me and said “they'll never know”.

Ben and I went out for a celebratory lunch, I thought it was weird that neither Dad nor Mum had texted back about the house.  Got a text back from Mum at 12:07.

12:50 John rang to ask about adding in a clause

12:58 tried Dad's mobile again

12:59 tried Dad's business number

12:59 tried Dad's other number

1:01pm
“Hey Dad, the seller just wants to add a clause into the contract about the tenant. John is going to write something up and email it through and has asked if you could look over it."

1:12
“Hey Andrew are you anywhere near Dad? I just can't get ahold of him. Thanks for making the drive up yesterday, so nice to see you guys!”

1:29pm I tried the home number

1:30 tried calling Mum

I went and told Ben it was weird nobody was getting back to me. I tried to think of a logical story. It involved Dad being at a settlement and forgetting his mobile at home. That Andrew and Mum weren't great with their phone.

Maybe it was my phone? But Mum had texted.

Mum rang Ben's mobile (1:54pm from Dad's home number). I was in my room and Ben was in the lounge, all I heard was Ben say that he would put me on and I instantly thought it was Dad on the other end.  I got up from the bedroom and started to walk towards Ben as Ben was walking towards me, phone in hand, we met in the hallway and it was Mum was on the speaker. She said she had some bad news and I asked if Matty was dead and she said no it was my father. I went and sat on our bed and cried.

Ben called John and arranged another lawyer to help finalise the tenant clause issue.  Ben called my work to say I couldn't come in the next day.

I rang Mum back at 2:07pm and asked if I could come down and see Dad.

Ben and I drove down. I drank so much water in the car I needed to pee when we arrived. Mum and Andrew were on the verandah. Mum hugged me and I said I needed to use the toilet, I walked into the house pass the two police officers and to the downstairs toilet.

Mum, Ben, the policers officers and I walked into Dad's bedroom. I saw him lying on the bed and I think I told him I loved him. I asked the policer officers if I could sit on the bed and I just stroked his upper arm and Mum sat beside me. Mum told me where his hand was (beside his side) and I grabbed his hand through the blanket. He was lying on his back tucked into a blanket in a picture-perfect way. His head lay on his pillow turned away to face the window. I looked over and saw some blue tinge near his nose and mouth but other than that he looked like he could just have been sleeping. The stillness meant that it was now just a body. His left arm was at a right angle resting under or over the pillow near the window.

At the end everyone left the room and it was just Dad and I. I didn't need much time, I just needed to tell him thank-you and that I love him. I felt accepted by his death and that I didn't need to be right there to talk to him, I could talk to him anywhere.

We went back to the lounge and a red bag with Dad's body was wheeled out.

The police told us to contact them if we needed anything and to access counseling.

We all went back over to Mum's house to tell J. J was just about to feed Coco and we walked in. Mum said for J to feed Coco and then we found ourselves in the lounge and Mum told J the news. I hugged J. He said it was bad and he said he already knew something was wrong because Andrew had rang Mum to come over to see Dad because he wasn't moving.

We all sat in the lounge.

Matty and Carmen came over.

They started to talk about the will and the safe and I sat in my chair with my eyes closed.

Mum suggested I should go home because it was late and I really wanted to.

We got home around 9.

That night. A bug crawled on us in our sleep. Ben heard possums in our lounge and the brand new smoke detector went off in the middle of the night. I went out a little while later to our balcony. I bought out a blanket and looked at the stars and chatted with Dad, it was all very peaceful. The mossies were biting me so I went back inside to bed.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death

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