Tuesday 30.04.19 (Dad's Funeral)

I wake up at 5am and can't get back to sleep. I get up and finish my tasks, wrap my bouquet and pack up the flowers into Ben's car. I get dressed and wash and blow dry my hair. I remember not to wear mascara.

We drive and arrive early, a funeral is still happening and there's no car parks left.

People file in and everything happens so quickly, I run to the bathroom and put the flowers inside the chapel. I see Dad's coffin but it isn't sad, he's not in that body anymore. It's my turn to speak and I keep starring at the first words I need to say. I pause and breath and pause and breath and it feels like eternity. I get through each sentence painfully slow as the sadness catches up faster than I can speak. I haven't looked up, until I near the end and I tell the audience that I'm nearly done. And I finish my final lines. Matty goes next and he speech is funny and he delivers it so well. He stumbles upon the last lines and I go and hug him and tell him that Ben can finish it for him and he does.

Ben, Matty, J and myself carry Dad out. It's heavier than I thought and I have to use two hands.

We walk at the back of the hearse and it's no longer sad, it's easy to say goodbye to his body. We carry the coffin to the grave and it lowers. The metal bars that send him down make a slow rhythmic sound and it's all I can focus on and a bouquet that almost gets caught.

People start leaving, it starts raining.

Everyone takes an orchid home and one remains - the white anthurium that was my favourite.

Everyone tells me how great I did and I feel that myself. I feel happy it was such a lovely send off.

1:11 on the car's radio clock.

At home Ben rings Zara and we talk house and plans and things keep on moving.

Lowie comes around and we go for a swim, it is getting dark and cold but it makes sense to jump in and I'm glad I do. I get use to the coldness.

We come home and eat spinach and avo, and tempeh and left over vegan treats and start to watch a rom com and I feel happy. I feel guilty for happiness but I know Dad just kept telling me that was my action plan and it's all okay.

It's raining and I have a cat kneading my lap and warm clothes on and I'm about to finish the rom com in bed with Ben and I know things are okay.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death