Year of Fear - May

I've always wanted to do yoga. I have a back that feels way too delicate and my ultimate, long-term dream is for it to get stronger requiring some sort of intervention right now. Yoga seems like the obvious mobility/flexibility choose. I've been surrounded by people who advocate for the practice, and podcasts that do the same but the furthest I've plunged is watching youtube clips, mimicking the moves and then giving up a few weeks later.

Which brings us to the last week in May, when I was chatting with Ben's friend who suggested I should go to Bikram yoga (the hot one) with him. He has mentioned going before and every time my responses have been a mix of various reasons and excuses. This time he said “aren't you doing that year of fear thing?” and straight away I knew what May's activity was going to be. I got a mat from the op shop, I started googling strange things like, “what side of the yoga mat do you use” “how do you wear your hair?” and I got really really nervous/anxious.

When I got into my car and loaded the address into my GPS it said I would arrive right on 9am and the website said I needed to get there 10-15 minutes before to register. I almost didn't even go. But what I've learnt from this project is that any fear based activity needs to be done immediately. If I arrived and they turned me away at least I had tried.

I arrived and they didn't turn me away. I filled out the form and the lady asked if I had been before which lead to if I had done yoga before and her starring blankly at me, “you've never done yoga before?”. I was half expecting her to say that maybe I shouldn't start with their hottest class but she told me where to leave my bags and shoes and which way was the room. I had my mat and towel and water bottle in their own bag and she told me “all bags left at the front”. Okay, learning! I even got to explain my year of fear project and at the beginning of the class she put that into her opening lines, about letting go of any fears, judgement or exceptions of yoga (which I thought was lovely). The room was warm and smelt comforting with music playing and I tried earnestly to fit in by mimicking the other 6 bodies lying on their mats already.

A quarter of the way through my mat was squeaking a lot so I quickly flipped it to the other side which meant my feet and hands slipping in some of the moves. The teacher picked up on this and stopped the class to get me one of their mats. Super kind. The class was a lot harder then I was expecting, I really wanted to sit down for a moment and drink my water but that simple act seemed like it would disrupt the quiet space and flow of the room and after the squeaking and the slipping and the teacher getting the mat all I wanted to do was lay extra extra low.

I got to the end of the class and the teacher told everyone in the room it was my first go and she smiled at me. Nobody else turned to acknowledge me as I sat on my mat looking at them smiling with a smile that said “sorry for the squeaking”.

Would I do it again? Absolutely. My back definitely wasn't instantly better, perhaps even more sensitive after being pushed outside it's comfort zone but I can see how continued practice would let it travel down a much more expansive, flexible path. After the class, I woke up the following three mornings with no back pain (unheard of phenomenon!) which I credit 100% to the yoga. During the 90 minutes, I could do all the moves bar one (which the teacher modified for me). I also did one move in reverse and the teacher came over to correct and we had a laugh. Having the teacher demo (physically and verbally) in front, the mirrors to see what other people were doing helped make it fairly simple for a lady who still (shamefully!)gets their lefts and rights mixed up.

One of my fears was to stand out (which happened a little) but the other was to be in an environment and around people that I'm not matched with, which definitely happened. That fear of established snooty yoga people was real and yet it really wasn't that bad. I think the teacher being kind was a huge help but also just acknowledging to myself that I'm out of my comfort zone and keeping pride in my heart for taking that step was super helpful. Plus remembering, everyone is living their own narrative and not to let my perception of others (or perceived judgements) sabotage me in the future (not easy still!).

Overall a big success.

I also managed to find a really nice (non-squeaky) yoga mat on a kerb-side clean up hunt, a week later and I stumbled upon a yoga class in my own town that I need to investigate further on!

I know we are already half way through June and this post comes a little late. I've never experience my life so intensely full, filled to the brim with the complete spectrum of emotions. I'm trying to take photos along the way as simple validation for myself that I survive this period of my life and maybe I'll get the chance to do some catch up blogging on it as well. If I'm completely honest though I wouldn't of blogged this today if it wasn't for a toe injury that has left me with no other choice but be still at my desk for the day.

Probably the universe letting me know I need to take a breath. 

A big breath.