Year of Fear Recap

I wanted to do a recap on my Year of Fear Challenge. I only "successfully" completed 4 months but I felt an amazing push out of my comfort zone and into some great places.

There were also many bonus fears I tackled during 2019 simply because it was my "year of fear".  It was helpful to reframe scary things into a positive action, even saying "year of fear" out loud, before attempting something, oddly helped too.

JANUARY /I tackled my jumping into water fear.  This was a huge fear of mine.  I'm so damn proud of myself for this one.  A year later and although jumping still scares me, I do it every single time I go for a swim and it feels liberating.  My big goal before the end of 2019 was to jump off the highest point at our local waterhole but with a new bridge being built and the area barricaded off, it was out of my control.  I'm still committed to completing this challenge once it re-opens.

FEBRUARY /I bloody asked for coffee grounds.  Gosh, even I can see how insanely juvenile this fear is but in a broader context it allowed me to identify the big role, social anxiety/fear plays in my life.  The fears are still there but now I can articulate them more - the first step right?

MARCH dropped the ball

APRIL /Spoke at Dad's funeral.  I have a super strong fear of public speaking but I'm so glad I did it, as it was a really important action for me. I often reflect back upon my bravery not only for the few minutes I spoke but for navigating my way through everything that fell upon me. I'm going to blog a yearly recap soon and I'm going to delve a little deeper into this year's happenings.

MAY /Went to my first ever yoga class. I can happily say, I've been going every single week (minus a few special absences).  This alone makes me deliriously happy. I found a class in my town with a teacher who is amazing and does a class that incorporates flow yoga and vipassana meditation. I'm quick to hold myself back from saying Yoga/Meditation has changed my life but it has bought something to my life; a calmness, a stillness, a present-ness that I crave, yet often find hard to bring in on my own.

Some other ideas I'd still like to tick off in the future include;
/bikini wearing at the beach - I'm strictly, a one-piece bathing suit girl
/go to some sort of rave - mega social alert!
/back to my 100 strangers portraits

The big dream is that this challenge inspires someone else out there to try it themselves.  Maybe you don't need a fear per month (obviously a guideline I couldn't stick to either) but a toned down challenge - one fear, for the year that you could address.  Just a thought.

I've has a few ideas floating around for my 2020 challenge but I'm pretty stocked with the final choice.  I'm going to put up a blog entry about it tomorrow and of course, as always, anyone is free to join along with me :) :)

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Year of Fear - May

I've always wanted to do yoga. I have a back that feels way too delicate and my ultimate, long-term dream is for it to get stronger requiring some sort of intervention right now. Yoga seems like the obvious mobility/flexibility choose. I've been surrounded by people who advocate for the practice, and podcasts that do the same but the furthest I've plunged is watching youtube clips, mimicking the moves and then giving up a few weeks later.

Which brings us to the last week in May, when I was chatting with Ben's friend who suggested I should go to Bikram yoga (the hot one) with him. He has mentioned going before and every time my responses have been a mix of various reasons and excuses. This time he said “aren't you doing that year of fear thing?” and straight away I knew what May's activity was going to be. I got a mat from the op shop, I started googling strange things like, “what side of the yoga mat do you use” “how do you wear your hair?” and I got really really nervous/anxious.

When I got into my car and loaded the address into my GPS it said I would arrive right on 9am and the website said I needed to get there 10-15 minutes before to register. I almost didn't even go. But what I've learnt from this project is that any fear based activity needs to be done immediately. If I arrived and they turned me away at least I had tried.

I arrived and they didn't turn me away. I filled out the form and the lady asked if I had been before which lead to if I had done yoga before and her starring blankly at me, “you've never done yoga before?”. I was half expecting her to say that maybe I shouldn't start with their hottest class but she told me where to leave my bags and shoes and which way was the room. I had my mat and towel and water bottle in their own bag and she told me “all bags left at the front”. Okay, learning! I even got to explain my year of fear project and at the beginning of the class she put that into her opening lines, about letting go of any fears, judgement or exceptions of yoga (which I thought was lovely). The room was warm and smelt comforting with music playing and I tried earnestly to fit in by mimicking the other 6 bodies lying on their mats already.

A quarter of the way through my mat was squeaking a lot so I quickly flipped it to the other side which meant my feet and hands slipping in some of the moves. The teacher picked up on this and stopped the class to get me one of their mats. Super kind. The class was a lot harder then I was expecting, I really wanted to sit down for a moment and drink my water but that simple act seemed like it would disrupt the quiet space and flow of the room and after the squeaking and the slipping and the teacher getting the mat all I wanted to do was lay extra extra low.

I got to the end of the class and the teacher told everyone in the room it was my first go and she smiled at me. Nobody else turned to acknowledge me as I sat on my mat looking at them smiling with a smile that said “sorry for the squeaking”.

Would I do it again? Absolutely. My back definitely wasn't instantly better, perhaps even more sensitive after being pushed outside it's comfort zone but I can see how continued practice would let it travel down a much more expansive, flexible path. After the class, I woke up the following three mornings with no back pain (unheard of phenomenon!) which I credit 100% to the yoga. During the 90 minutes, I could do all the moves bar one (which the teacher modified for me). I also did one move in reverse and the teacher came over to correct and we had a laugh. Having the teacher demo (physically and verbally) in front, the mirrors to see what other people were doing helped make it fairly simple for a lady who still (shamefully!)gets their lefts and rights mixed up.

One of my fears was to stand out (which happened a little) but the other was to be in an environment and around people that I'm not matched with, which definitely happened. That fear of established snooty yoga people was real and yet it really wasn't that bad. I think the teacher being kind was a huge help but also just acknowledging to myself that I'm out of my comfort zone and keeping pride in my heart for taking that step was super helpful. Plus remembering, everyone is living their own narrative and not to let my perception of others (or perceived judgements) sabotage me in the future (not easy still!).

Overall a big success.

I also managed to find a really nice (non-squeaky) yoga mat on a kerb-side clean up hunt, a week later and I stumbled upon a yoga class in my own town that I need to investigate further on!

I know we are already half way through June and this post comes a little late. I've never experience my life so intensely full, filled to the brim with the complete spectrum of emotions. I'm trying to take photos along the way as simple validation for myself that I survive this period of my life and maybe I'll get the chance to do some catch up blogging on it as well. If I'm completely honest though I wouldn't of blogged this today if it wasn't for a toe injury that has left me with no other choice but be still at my desk for the day.

Probably the universe letting me know I need to take a breath. 

A big breath.

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Year of Fear - February

I was chatting with my little bro about my year of fear project and how in February I was going to approach coffee shops and ask for their used coffee grounds so I could start growing my own oyster mushrooms. He told me it was really easy, you just go in and ask. The night before I did some googling to see if giving away grounds was something coffee shops even did, a step to subdue my fears mainly based in social anxiety stemmed from the fear of rejection and well, public shame (heavy!).

So apparently starbucks in America package up their used grounds and actively give them away and muffin break (a chain store) had written a blog post on how to use coffee grounds and explained that any of their shops would be happy to give them to you. Good sign!

We don't have a muffin break nearby but there were two coffee shops I had narrowed down to ask. The first, Columbian Coffee in Mooloolaba because it's hands down one of the best coffees I've had on the coast. As I was driving into Mooloolaba I had an idea to pull into a secluded carpark and record on my phone a little debriefing of my fear to potentially include with this post but there just happened to be an empty carspace right outside the coffee shop (super rare!) and I took that as a sign to just go in and ask. If January taught me anything its that procrastinating feeds fear!

I walked in and then walked out without any coffee grounds BUT (and it's a big one) they were nice, I didn't stumble over my words and I left without any shame from the rejection. They told me they tend to use their grounds on their garden but they had just thrown away a bunch (into their main bin). I asked if there was a possibility of coming back another day and they told me that 8am is a good time.

Success.

The next coffee shop, slightly closer to home was chosen purely because the store is adorable I went up and they were lovely and told me that someone already comes in and collects their grounds.

No success, but success in confronting my fear.

Lastly, I asked our coffee drinking friend, Lowy, for some shop recommendations and he mentioned the coffee joint next to my grocery shop which made sense, being so close. I walked in and asked and they told me that somebody already comes in and before I could say thanks and walk out they told me it wasn't a regular thing and then which times would be great to come back!

I went back that day at 5pm and noticed they were already closed. I could see the girl inside and contemplated knocking on the door but in the end I felt super weird and let fear get the better of me. I looked at their closing hours with five being close time, so I figured I'd try once more but next time arrive a few minutes before closing.

Fast forward to my third attempt and the same girl was on. I walked in and asked and she said, they were about to close in 10 minutes and if I came back then she would be ready to throw out the grounds. I felt slightly bad for the perception of being annoying but tried to take her words at face value and not read too much into it or let myself be persuaded out of the plan (yes I can be an overthinker!). I went and did my grocery shopping and then went back to the coffee shop, made eye contact with the girl inside and then awkwardly hovered outside. Less then 30 seconds later she had come out with a huge garbage bag that I almost couldn't carry. I told her I loved her and she smiled and I heaved the bag back to my car. When I got into my car I was shaking, so high on adrenalin that when I backed out over an empty bottle I assumed I had hit a car. I hadn't but it did remind myself to take a moment to compose, breath and concentrate on driving.

Super super grateful to be doing this year of fear project.

I'm only 2 months in but I can already feel major shifts in my thinking, learning to replace the fear with excitement and to embrace the abundance of potential possibilities!

I can't say it's easy but it's feeling very fulfilling.

I'll keep you updated on the oyster mushroom growing too!

Next month, I'm going to try to take portraits in public with a tripod - eep!

UPDATE: Last month, was all about jumping into water which is a huge fear for myself and you can read more about it here.  I made a commitment to continue the jumping into February (and well, forever) and I wanted to show you some updated jump footage.  I've included the middle segment of film just to show you that I did indeed let the fear win many times (wasting much space of Ben's phone!) but that's okay because I kept trying until I eventually mustered up the courage.  I think having my friend, Emaya up was a big help too! By the end of the year it's my goal to jump from the very top point which I think I'll be able to do, if I keep my jump regime up!

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