Saying Goodbye to Dad

On Tuesday night my Dad passed peacefully in his sleep. The coroner explained it was a history of heart disease in his family. That his heart filled up with blood and he most likely slipped into a coma before passing away. When I saw his body lying in his bed, a stillness to know that life had already left, he was lying in such a picturesque position, on his back, tucked into his blanket with his head facing the window. I rubbed his arm and told him thank-you for everything and that I loved him. I loved my Dad so much. I love my Dad so much. I'm still talking to him and he's an amazing reassuring presence in my life. I'm letting the tears falls and the gratitude be in abundance. The future seems daunting, too hard to enter. I catch myself in the past and it's heartbreakingly sad. I walk past the gifts he delivered to me, the limes on the counter and his bottles of kombucha and his mushrooms that are still growing. They'll eventually die too. We'll all eventually die and I wonder about our communication about grief and death. We had no words left unsaid to each other just a future unwritten that makes me terribly sad to think he won't be apart of. I know I have to redefine his presence in my life but at the moment I'm just letting my body fill with grief and rid it and repeat, the only thing I know how. I'm so grateful we spent so much time in nature together, so the trees and the tiny mushrooms and the weird fermented food will always remind me of him. He poured so much love into our relationship that at times I felt a little undeserving to receive it all but my heart has so much gratitude and I still feel immensely loved.

When he left he took a part of my heart with him and I'm okay for him to keep it. He said he didn't want to leave but he needs me to keep going because my future is one of an amazing happy life.

xoxoxo