Year of Fear - April

I have a bunch of ideas for my monthly fear challenges but they haven't been slotted into any particular month, just waiting for their place.  One idea was public speaking (I hate public speaking) and I had been talking to Ben about how on Earth I would make that happen - soap box in the middle of town?  When Dad died, it made sense this would be my April fear.  So many others fears this month that I hadn't even contemplated.  Having someone, who potentially loves you the most in the World, simply vanish hadn't crossed my radar and obviously, I'm glad it didn't, the impact in the moment and the aftermath was grand enough for my little heart.

After Dad's funeral on Tuesday, the director came over and told me that they film each ceremony and that my tribute was lovely and that I should watch it.  I've only watched a little, so hard to watch on a bunch of levels but I'm popping up the link and the access code for anyone else to watch and I'll post my actually words below as well.  I practiced with Ben the days before.  At first it was hard to read and then it was easy and at the funeral it was impossibly hard.  I know I did the best I could.  I left the funeral with a strange sense of happiness, knowing it was a great send off for Dad.  It wasn't sad seeing his body going into the ground, it's the space between his spirit and me that creates a lingering sadness, although I feel him close, I'd love him closer.  I'm moving forward with all the practical things that need to be done following a death, it keeps the heart from wallowing and grows the spirit, or at least that's what I'm hoping for.

FUNERAL VIDEO LINK

(click on 'live stream' under 'service venue')

PIN:  7588

MY WORDS:

my face tells my chest

tells my heart that sadness

is coming and we hunker down

together as the wave of grief

moves through and vanishes and

comes back around again.

Dad's optimism travels through my soul, it tells me tomorrow is another day, another day to be generous and kind, strong, forgiving, courageous, to see the humour and use my Harding brain. I feel his warmth.

The clouds and the sky following dad's death were hauntingly beautiful, they changed colour and tempo and just when the sun has decided to stay, the rain fell heavily from the sky as a gesture to honour my inner dialogue. Angels in clouds and rainbows upon rainbows and a smoke detector going off in the middle of the night that we renamed the ghost alarm.

I sat on the patio that night, the night I found out dad had passed, it was so still and I searched for the stars. If I managed to not let my mind wander and just feel the moment, it was incredibly peaceful and the convos I had with Dad were reassuring and beautiful. He didn't want to leave, he reminds me to do my daily tasks, he's so happy about the house and he tells me I have spirits all around me. I always thought that would be incredibly scary but it isn't because I'm not actually 100% in the world myself. I'm trapped by choice, in a place that isn't the happiness of the past nor the future riddled with absence. I talk with Ben who lives in the future and he tells me he will keep offering me life lines and it's okay if I don't accept them. I finally agree to a bowl of icecream. I haven't been eating and I'm not even sure I like icecream but Ben has loaded it up with peanut butter and chocolate goo and I eat it and it makes me happy.

Things I know that are true.

Dad didn't want to leave
He left peacefully

His physical heart had reached the end
His spirituality gifted him protection

He was so happy, so happy.

He loved loved loved loved Andrew, Matty, J and myself

and he wasn't ready to leave us

Thank-you Dad for your kindness that wraps around me so tightly offering protection and guidance. Thank-you for reaching out your hand to me and taking me on an adventure that saw me seek a deeper kindness and a capability to tackle mountains that I wasn't sure my body was ready for. Thank-you for sharing my hobbies and geeking out with me and gifting me your time, your spirit, love and joy and knowledge.

Life's wheels didn't just fall off when you left, my whole universe vanished beneath me. Dad gave me so much in the physical world that it still remains with me and helps me get up on days I don't want to. I'm forever grateful to have been gifted such a wonderful dad who showed me the joy in the moment, right now.

You're lovely dad and I love you and I miss you.

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Saying Goodbye to Dad

On Tuesday night my Dad passed peacefully in his sleep. The coroner explained it was a history of heart disease in his family. That his heart filled up with blood and he most likely slipped into a coma before passing away. When I saw his body lying in his bed, a stillness to know that life had already left, he was lying in such a picturesque position, on his back, tucked into his blanket with his head facing the window. I rubbed his arm and told him thank-you for everything and that I loved him. I loved my Dad so much. I love my Dad so much. I'm still talking to him and he's an amazing reassuring presence in my life. I'm letting the tears falls and the gratitude be in abundance. The future seems daunting, too hard to enter. I catch myself in the past and it's heartbreakingly sad. I walk past the gifts he delivered to me, the limes on the counter and his bottles of kombucha and his mushrooms that are still growing. They'll eventually die too. We'll all eventually die and I wonder about our communication about grief and death. We had no words left unsaid to each other just a future unwritten that makes me terribly sad to think he won't be apart of. I know I have to redefine his presence in my life but at the moment I'm just letting my body fill with grief and rid it and repeat, the only thing I know how. I'm so grateful we spent so much time in nature together, so the trees and the tiny mushrooms and the weird fermented food will always remind me of him. He poured so much love into our relationship that at times I felt a little undeserving to receive it all but my heart has so much gratitude and I still feel immensely loved.

When he left he took a part of my heart with him and I'm okay for him to keep it. He said he didn't want to leave but he needs me to keep going because my future is one of an amazing happy life.

xoxoxo

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