Wednesday 24.04.19 (a week since dad has died)

I wake up at 5am, wide awake.

We'll be inspecting the house today and I worry.

I send off the updated notice for the funeral home, Ben helps me write it.

I feel tired today. I don't like the gaps in space today.

Things have lost their colour everything feels like the wrong choice in how to spend time, lost joy.

I get next month's roster and its changed and it's unsettling and I just don't want to charge forward, I want everything to go at my pace but it can't.

I go to bed and I wake up from Ben on the phone, Dad tells me I need to get up to listen to the conversation. I go to my room and Mum rings (“home” comes up on my phone and it's a little scary to pick up because that is Dad's number) Mum answers and tells me I need to ring the law society about an insurance claim because I'm the power of attorney for Dad. I'm shivering I'm still cold.

I try to ring but I can't get through

The police call, a follow up from my phone call yesterday and I tell them everything has been sorted that Mum just rang to say they found the key - he's glad everything has been sorted.

I sit and look out the window and ask Dad where his will is and he says, “it's in my desk, it's really obvious”

Mum rings back they found the will in a manilla folder in Dad's desk, it's updated and the power of attorney being given to Matty and I.

I tell Mum I asked Dad and what he said. And Mum said, you asked him before he died and I said nonchalantly “just now” and she tells me I have a direct line to him and that she needs to sit down and I realise it's freaking her out and then I get freaked out for the first time.

We go to the pest inspection, it isn't great; termites, live termites, beams not supporting the house, bad plumbing. I ask if its crazy to even consider a house with live termites. They give us a plan, everyone is helpful but when I get back into the car I cry because Dad wanted to be there, he would advise us and now, emptiness.

We stop in at the vegan cafe, Ben buys me sushi and a pie

and we drive home.

So many wheels turning

Allianz organises insurance for a house we might not even buy.

I go down for a swim at 3pm and as I crept towards the water it starts to fall, I don't notice straight away because the trees are my umbrella but I can see how heavy it is as it falls on the water. And the water is flowing so heavily, I couldn't of swam anyway. I tell Dad I just wanted to talk about the house.

Ben and I make dinner together, lots of veggies and it makes me happy and we watch lunatics.

/I'll be sharing a series of diary entries two weeks around my Dad's death