2019 Year in Review

I normally excite in going back over my year and compiling the happenings but this year is different.  

For the first time, I stopped blogging.  

I tell people it's been the best and the worst year of my life.  There has been so many amazing things that have happened - the biggest life dream eventuated - we bought a house.  I started a diary the days leading up to the house closure because I knew it was an incredible dream I was living through. The days leading up to the house were also (unknown at the time) the days leading up to Dad's death.  The morning the real estate rang to tell us we got the house was the morning I couldn't get through to Dad.  It wasn't until after lunch and lots of texting and telling myself "don't worry" that I found out the news and Ben drove me to go see him that one last time.  

I have lost people before, people incredible dear but Dad's death sent me to a place I'd never quite been before.  I'm not sure there is anyone in the World who loved me as much as my Dad.  Words I say not to discredit the amazing love I have around me but to acknowledge the powerful unconditional love he gifted.  For three months I found myself in a place so hard to articulate but profoundly beautiful and as equally sad.   A place with no footing in daily routine or care about the small.  I could talk with Dad constantly and my body craved nature, so that's what I did.  Each day I found tiny life-lines back to the real World which I'd have resisted more if not for Dad reminding me of the need for forward momentum and exploding my weirdness/sadness onto Ben so I wouldn't be a grief island. 

I'm now completely back, it's a lot harder to access Dad but sometimes I'll find certain places that I can reach out.  I got routines back. I got eating back.  I got happiness back.  My grief is now just a companion who likes to remind me, every so often, how much I loved my Dad.

When someone dies there isn't just grief you have to deal with, for Dad we had to close down his business, deal with ongoing court cases (still dealing), step into the role of executor, loads of legal peeps and paperwork (I taught myself probate) and organising practical things like funeral arrangements, I even became his security for a while replying to emails to tell clients of his passing.  We still have so much to wrap up. So much.  This was all wrapped up in settling our first house, something Ben and I were completely clueless on. Then moving and learning how to renovate (the floors at least are sanded and completed!).  I remember the real estate gentlemen visiting with flowers and paperwork and I, being unable to stop crying. Sometimes I still have long bouts of tears.

My computer also saw its final days and having only just recently been upgraded (hello Mac World!), I'm finally back to editing, back to wanting to share my life again.  I think over the next few months I'll try and recap my 2019 a little better, I wasn't taking a whole lot of photos but I tried to remind myself to document because it felt important.

In other incredible news we got a rescue pup called Jupiter (who featured in our 2019 x-mas photo) amd definitely deserves her own full post. It was also the first time I travelled in an ambulance and stayed more than a few hours in hospital (ended up having my appendix removed), destroyed my iphone after leaving it on top of my car and then not-so-smartly driving off *face palm*, first time to see a koala in nature and utilise my first aid skills as the first responder on a car accident (pretty nerve racking!).  Plus I got to shoot my first gay wedding, which will happily go down as an absolute favourite wedding to attend/shoot/be apart of! 

I'm telling you 2019 was a mix bag.

I started the year strong with year of fear and even though it got washed away with grief/life happenings it was the best yearly challenge I've embarked upon to date

A few creative projects, some I haven't blogged about yet but my monstera artwork and cat tree were responsible for snatching some of my time :)

Along with Spirit You and making Yonis :P

No year would be complete without a visit to Goma and getting to see the APT 9 was pretty special!

Supporting our local town, official locals now :)

I tried out two different camera's (fuji X-T2 and the Canon 5d Mark iii) before settling on the Canon 6dmark ii which has been going along greatly

Managed to sneak in some op shopping

I randomly spent a week watching a bunch of orchids videos on youtube.  After Dad died I was given one of his orchids (previously his Mum's) and so I'm striving to be the best guardian I can be.  A bunch of new growth has emerged which tells me I'm on the right path!

And the emotional journey of my oyster mushrooms.  It was actually the last blog entry I made before Dad passed.  I bought Dad a mushroom kit last Christmas and we were deep in experimenting and exchanging notes right up until he left.  A couple of weeks ago I thought I felt strong enough to start experimenting again.  My first batch was the most incredible batch I'd ever harvested.  I got a shock seeing how many mushrooms had sprouted from a single bucket.  I was so happy.  I remembering bursting into tears wishing I could tell Dad and wondering if I had started my mushroom journey a little too soon for all the emotions still inside of me.  

I try and spend time reflecting back on my strength and reflecting that I'm still here and I'm still moving forward.

2019 you have been the best and worst year of my life.

I'm so grateful to still be here.

For anyone out there that has felt the full spectrum of emotions in 2019 I tip my hat to you and applaud you for still breathing at the end of it all :)

I hope we're all gifted 2020 because I think it's going to be quite special!